How To Get Banned From K-Mart

12 March 2005

Jon Walker
Store Manager
K-Mart Store 4855
Summit Ridge, Reno NV,, 89503

Mrs. Fenton
35 Rasmussen Street
Moores Park, Reno NV. 89503

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

During the preceding six months, our security staff has been monitoring your husbands activities while in our store. The list below details his offenses, all of which have been verified by our surveillance cameras and we have retained copies on tape.

We have reportedly given your husband verbal warnings while in this store and he has subsequently ignored them. He replied to these warnings with rudeness and the response “while the wife shops here. I will come too.” We are therefore forced to ban you, your husband, and your family from this store.

The following list details your husband’s activities in this store over the past six months.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other shoppers’ carts while they weren’t looking.

July 2: Set all the alarms in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor heading to the restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,” Code 3 in Housewares” and watched what happened.

August 4: Went to the Customer Service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay-away.

September 14: Moved a “Caution – Wet Floor” sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping area and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they brought pillows.

September 23: When staff members offered him assistance, he begins to cry and asks “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?

October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and prominently picked his nose.

November 10: While in the gun and hunting department, he asked the clerk if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the theme song to Mission: Impossible.

December 6: In the auto section, practiced his “Madonna look” using different sized funnels.

December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!

December 21:
Whenever an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal passion and screams “NO! NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, “THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!

John F. Walker
Store Manager

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One Response

  1. lol wow

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